the music of our lives

Do you ever go back through your old cds and remember exactly how you felt when you first listened to them? You remember the emotions behind the music, the lyrics that captured exactly what you were going through at the time. Sometimes I like going back and listening to the songs I once loved and going back to the uncertain times of high school and college. But other times, it's sad and depressing, realizing that I'm not the same person I once was. Not that I regret anything; it's just hard to see yourself grown up sometimes. I've learned so much, grown as a person, and I wouldn't want to go back to my naivity. But I do miss my old friends, and it's hard to accept that we've grown apart so much. Most of the time, I don't think about it; I just live my life, go with the flow. But it's times like this when I listen to my old cds that I feel nostolgic, that I turn to facebook and look at my friends' profiles and feel just awful inside. I know they're probably all thinking that I'm a jerk, that I purposefully don't talk with them, and I'm sure a select few have it in their minds that my fiance is keeping me from them. But how do you tell someone that it's awkward to be around them, that we've grown apart, that I'm not the same person I once was, that hanging out with them brings back the feelings that I had when I was growing up, and that I hate it. How do you tell someone I'm sorry but I just can't be in those situations anymore. Just thinking about it makes me feel all squimish inside.

It's also hard to accept especially when you 're the type of person who finds it very difficult to find close friends. So when you lose just one friend, it's like losing a part of yourself. I'm a shy person, and I find it very difficult to open to people. It's not hard for me to find friends, people who really like me and want to hang out with me. But I only can open up to very few people. There have only been about 5 people with whom I've been best friends. 2 of which have been boyfriends. One of the boyfriends obviously is long gone; he ended up being a complete and utter jerk whom I hope to never talk to again. One grew apart when we hit high school; she found a boyfriend who refused to hang out with any of her friends. One I still talk with a few times a year, but we live across the country and sometimes it's hard to find common ground. One ended up being completetly crazy and we will probably never talk again. She tried me too many times, and I finally just broke. And the final one is my fiance, the best friend I know will never leave me, my soulmate. But he is more than just a best friend; he's my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my counterpart. But everyone needs a best friend, other than you're significant other. To have another person to talk with, that shares the same interests. Someone to watch girly movies with, dish about our guys, eat a bag of Doritos. Someone who understands.

So you think about the good times, the fun you used to have with friends who loved you. And then you remember the looks and awkwardness that surrounds any encounters that you have now. And it sucks. But that's the way life goes; people grow apart and we have to accept it. It's just hard sometimes...