BORED

I enjoy my job most of the time. But it can be soooo boring sometimes when there's nothing to do. I get weeks where I'm super busy, but then all of a sudden nothing. My desk is right in the middle of the office, and my computer is there for everyone to see so it's not like I can go spend hours on Facebook or shopping online. I'm even a little nervous writing this. I like reading up on the news, but you can only read so much news. So here I am. I can't wait until I start back at school. That will help fill in the gaps. Although during the weeks when I'm super busy, having school work is not going to be fun. Hopefully, I'll really enjoy this International Development program though. It looks awesome. One of my first classes is Economic Analysis, which I'm pretty nervous about. I just keep thinking about Economics in high school, which was pretty difficult. Mr. Elder made it into like an intro college class. And this one I'll be taking now is for graduate students. I just hope I understand what's being taught. I haven't taken a class in 2 1/2 years. And I'm a little nervous about the classes being online. What if I don't understand something? I won't have a professor to go to to explain it all out for me. I know I'll be fine; new things are always a little scary. The unknown and what not. I think it's the waiting that's the toughest. I still have a little less than a month and a half. At least I'll be fairly busy. Next week is Thanksgiving, and we're having a big bash at our apartment. Still don't know how many people are coming, but I think it will be quite a few. Then we'll drive up to Atl for the Falcons game the following Sunday. John has to have his thesis in on December 4th and will defend it on the 11th. Sol is taking Admin and Facilities out to lunch on the 16th for the holidays. Then it's back up to Atl on the 18th or19th, fly out to Buffalo on the 20th, home through Christmas, back to Atl and G'ville on the 27th, then up to St. Augustine on the 31st for Kristen and Travis's wedding, finally back to G'ville on New Year's Day, and I will start classes on January 11th. I also wanted to get my engagement ring resized and cleaned before going to Olean, so I might drive down to Tampa maybe this weekend or during the weekend of December 5th. I will probably have to go alone though because John is so busy trying to finish up his thesis and do a final project for his psych class. But it would just be nice to go and do something. I feel like I've been so couped up in the apartment because I've been sick on and off all this month. First I had a uti, then I got some kind of virus; the doctor said it wasn't the flu but I had very similar symptoms. Then I was healthy for about a week, and all of a sudden I have MRSA, which sucks by the way. I'm slowly getting better, but I'll still be on antibiotics until Monday, and the doctor said my wound won't be completely disappeared by then. So who knows when it will be gone for good. I can't wait until I don't need to wrap up my leg with this stupid gauze anymore!! It's extremely irritating!

Anyways, I've probably yammered on for way too long. At least now I only have 1 more hour left of work!!! :D

the music of our lives

Do you ever go back through your old cds and remember exactly how you felt when you first listened to them? You remember the emotions behind the music, the lyrics that captured exactly what you were going through at the time. Sometimes I like going back and listening to the songs I once loved and going back to the uncertain times of high school and college. But other times, it's sad and depressing, realizing that I'm not the same person I once was. Not that I regret anything; it's just hard to see yourself grown up sometimes. I've learned so much, grown as a person, and I wouldn't want to go back to my naivity. But I do miss my old friends, and it's hard to accept that we've grown apart so much. Most of the time, I don't think about it; I just live my life, go with the flow. But it's times like this when I listen to my old cds that I feel nostolgic, that I turn to facebook and look at my friends' profiles and feel just awful inside. I know they're probably all thinking that I'm a jerk, that I purposefully don't talk with them, and I'm sure a select few have it in their minds that my fiance is keeping me from them. But how do you tell someone that it's awkward to be around them, that we've grown apart, that I'm not the same person I once was, that hanging out with them brings back the feelings that I had when I was growing up, and that I hate it. How do you tell someone I'm sorry but I just can't be in those situations anymore. Just thinking about it makes me feel all squimish inside.

It's also hard to accept especially when you 're the type of person who finds it very difficult to find close friends. So when you lose just one friend, it's like losing a part of yourself. I'm a shy person, and I find it very difficult to open to people. It's not hard for me to find friends, people who really like me and want to hang out with me. But I only can open up to very few people. There have only been about 5 people with whom I've been best friends. 2 of which have been boyfriends. One of the boyfriends obviously is long gone; he ended up being a complete and utter jerk whom I hope to never talk to again. One grew apart when we hit high school; she found a boyfriend who refused to hang out with any of her friends. One I still talk with a few times a year, but we live across the country and sometimes it's hard to find common ground. One ended up being completetly crazy and we will probably never talk again. She tried me too many times, and I finally just broke. And the final one is my fiance, the best friend I know will never leave me, my soulmate. But he is more than just a best friend; he's my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my counterpart. But everyone needs a best friend, other than you're significant other. To have another person to talk with, that shares the same interests. Someone to watch girly movies with, dish about our guys, eat a bag of Doritos. Someone who understands.

So you think about the good times, the fun you used to have with friends who loved you. And then you remember the looks and awkwardness that surrounds any encounters that you have now. And it sucks. But that's the way life goes; people grow apart and we have to accept it. It's just hard sometimes...